| *poke poke* |
[Sep. 2nd, 2008|10:48 pm] |
Is this thing on? *feedback* Oops, sorry folks.
What am I doing this late...er, early...at night, on Livejournal no less? Not entirely sure. Writing I guess.
About what? Not sure. I guess I'm hoping my late night broccoli snack will fill me with creativity. Unlikely, but let's try.
Sometimes I sit here,
Watching time go by,
Sometimes I join in with traffic,
Just to enjoy the ride.
I don't entirely know what I'm doing,
I don't think I really care,
Because every place that I go,
I don't think I'm really there.
I've been told that it's okay to be angry,
Or I can cry if I need,
But I don't even have those emotions,
Because I'm completely filled with greed.
Greed for my smiles,
Greed for the smiles of my son,
And when I get to experience those things,
I don't feel anger towards anyone.
I know I may be cold,
I know I may be hard,
But why try to open a wound,
When it's all ready scarred?
Why not bother with the present,
When you know the future is the same?
Why not try to roll the dice,
Even if you know you'll lose the game?
I won't gamble with all my happiness,
Because I know what I can't be,
And I won't try my hardest,
To make someone be there for me.
So I'll stick with my greed,
Because I have nothing else to expend,
Besides, if nothing else,
Greed will suffice in the end. |
|
|
| What's the Most Depressing? |
[Mar. 28th, 2008|10:37 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
That I can't slap the shit out of you. That I can't beat the fuck out of you. That I can't write who I want to beat or slap the shit out of...that I can't do a goddamn thing or else everything I have right now could be put in jeopardy. Oh, well...
Why am I wasting my breath on a piece of shit? Why am I wasting my time thinking about how stupid and conceited and totally fucked up in the head someone is?
ARGGGHHH! I have about a hundred things I wish I could say. None of which are appropriate. But it starts with, "You made your bed, now lie in it, you dumb fuck." |
|
|
| Short Update Before I Commit Homicide (Haha!) |
[Jan. 17th, 2008|11:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cranky | ] |
Korben is alive. Beyond that, I'm done with doing any details on places where people can read them, because if they give a shit they should just call and ask. Simple as that.
On the other hand, I'm doing great. I just got a wonderful job at Sooner Answering Service working for $11/hr. with a raise possibility at 3 months (90 days). They do quarterly and you get weekly paychecks.
I'm getting up in the world, bitches!
I'm still getting over the stomach flu, which was a bitch, let me tell you. It's not easy taking care of a little bug when you've got a big bug.
Anyways, I'm doing great. |
|
|
| Kortnee, this will make you Laugh |
[Jan. 7th, 2008|09:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  creative | ] |
"Maury, it's his baby...I mean, look at him, he looks just like him!"
(The Father comes out after a bunch of undecipherable babble from the baby's mother. The audience boos.)
"That ain't my baby, it don't even look like my baby! Look at that loose neck he's got. We don't have any loose necks in my family, we all wrestled!"
"Well, I have the results..."
(The audience gets quiet as a slight hiss resonates between all of them.)
"Okay...in the case of...Baby Looseneck Shanaynay...you ARE the father!"
"I told you, mother fucker! Now you gotta support your baby!"
(Two girls jump up from the audience.)
Same time: Bitch get in line!
Sorry, this made me laugh. And I saw it on the Comedy Channel or something like that. |
|
|
| Next American Dream |
[Jan. 4th, 2008|11:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
I hope you're enjoying your weekend.
Kicking back booze, fucking with the next best thing,
While I'm sitting at home, kicking back Sunny D,
Loving the next best American Dream.
You haven't seen much, so you don't feel bad,
While you're using your smooth talk to get in their pants,
But I've changed since then and so I know that my priorities,
Revolve less around you and more around romance.
We may mean nothing to you but another burden to deal with,
God forbid you have to have a confrontation,
But this thing that I hold in my arms right now,
Is a blessing to me and not a fucking obligation.
I may deal with some hard times, I may be living the harder life,
You may be getting help from people when you don't deserve it,
But I'm having a ball, even when I don't have it all,
I'm making something of me, while you are just a piece of shit!
Somewhere in your mind, you are still completely blind,
Even though you think that you are all-knowing and see all,
But I'm climbing up these stairs, that you don't even know are there,
And eventually you will trip over them and fall.
So, just as an afterthought,
We're doing just fine, without your thoughts or your time.
We don't need certification that you will never be what we USED to need,
But you keep on drinking, keep on fucking, keep on thinking,
That I'm not over here holding, the next American Dream. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 4th, 2008|01:46 pm] |
I sit back and say, I don't know if I can do this.
But I'd rather be alone than have the "help" that I would have.
I am just so fucking angry at the time that I have wasted,
I don't have time anymore to be a little bit sad.
I just wake up in the morning, staring in his bed,
Wondering why this world is all ready working against him,
But I can't protect anyone from people who don't want to change,
Even if my patience has finally run too thin.
I guess not everyone in this world has to grow up when they need to,
Not everyone in this world has to wake up and realize,
That you have to give everything to those little human beings,
So that when they grow up you aren't someone that they despise.
I'm not just working for myself anymore, I have another soul,
That I have to look after through hell and high water. |
|
|
| I'm So Sick And...whatever the bitch says after that... |
[Dec. 27th, 2007|11:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  predatory | ] |
So, today I got a tattoo. Yippee for me. It's a Leo and a Scorpio symbol on the small of my back.
On another note, I'm tired of fighting. I didn't do a damn thing wrong. Nothing. I know I haven't. In fact, I'd been told a few times that I was being pretty damn flexible and easy-going about everything.
So why am I getting shit on?
I don't know and I don't get it.
My son is beautiful. He hasn't done anything wrong either. All he did was come into this world...start with the shitting and the eating and the smiling and the cuteness that is my son.
So why the FUCK is this going on?
I don't know. And honestly, as a general "fuck you" the world...I don't care anymore. I'll just start calling the shots for everything that has to do with him. Because that seems to be the best case scenario to make sure that he never has to get hurt. I'm all ready taking the blunt of the damage, turning me into nothing more than a numb human being that crawls out of bed and cries on Christmas and holds him when I get the chance to not be numb and actually be the mother that I need to be.
Does this hit below the belt to anyone? If it does...maybe you deserve it. |
|
|
| We've Finally Got the Hang of It |
[Nov. 8th, 2007|10:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  grateful | ] |
And it's an awesome relationship.
Our breastfeeding experience started out kind of rocky but nothing too terribly bad. They suggested nipple shields at first, which were more painful to me than anything else. So, without their consent, I worked on getting him latched on to the boob. At first, he would make my nipple do this thing they call a "crease" which isn't really as bad as it sounds, it's just uncomfortable. My left nipple was all ready cracked and on the verge of bleeding by the first day.
Now, about a week later, we've got it down pact.
Huzzah for this!
I switch between the two every five minutes (because he has a bad habit of falling asleep at the boob) and then after a couple of rounds of this I'll take him off. If he cries, he's not done. If he stares up at me patiently and/or his eyes start closing, he's done and I'll hold him the football hold until he starts to drift off then I'll carefully carry him to his bed or his carseat. He's such a good boy.
I'm blessed. |
|
|
| LARPity |
[Nov. 8th, 2007|08:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | creative | ] |
My brother is interested in running a LARP (Vampire the Masq) for anyone that is interested in the Metro area.
So, if you are interested, holler at me and we'll work out timing and stuff of that nature. Okie doke? Okie doke. |
|
|
| Holy Hell! |
[Nov. 4th, 2007|05:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
*blink blink*
He has only woken up ONCE through the whole night.
I was so tired at that point though that all I could do was lay him next to me and feed him lying on our sides. Lo and behold, he fell asleep feeding and so did I! I woke up going, "Wait a second, wasn't I just feeding Korben?"
After carefully picking up and moving him to the Pack 'n' Play, he's been sound asleep ever since.
Now why am I awake? you ask.
Because apparently breastfeeding makes you hungry...*haha!* |
|
|
| We Have a Baby! |
[Nov. 2nd, 2007|07:39 pm] |
7 lbs. 12 oz. and 20 1/2 inches long.
Korben was born at 1:08 a.m. on Halloween morning after 24 hours of labor. (Little boogerhead.)
We're home now, fixing to go rest as a matter of fact.
He's the cutest little thing.
Time to rest. |
|
|
| Something is Going On |
[Oct. 29th, 2007|01:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
And I don't know what it is...
I think it's me.
This morning, everyone is acting strange...no one will tell me what's going on but when I asked what was wrong, I got the dirtiest look I've ever been given. Did I do something? And if I did, what the hell is it? |
|
|
| I Feel Weepy |
[Oct. 26th, 2007|11:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
And helpless and useless.
I wanted the natural birth so badly. I really did and still do.
I wanted to go into it all on my own, to feel the progression of contractions and just...everything. I feel like my body has failed me.
I have four days left...that magical number that everyone keeps talking about where I'll hit 42 weeks and suddenly, it's all or nothing. I don't want the Pitocin, I don't want them to manually control how my body is going to work...I want to do it all. But after 42 weeks, your baby's health is in "danger" and you go to "high risk."
I'm so scared...
I am scared of how hard these contractions are and I'm scared that I can't do it. I don't want to fail at this. I wish I could push my self-esteem and confidence back up to where it was a month ago. I'm slowly but surely starting to doubt myself...and I can all ready tell if I cave for the epidural I'm going to feel like a failure.
It's really okay to come out now, Korben. We all love you. :( |
|
|
| Thanks Zach |
[Oct. 23rd, 2007|11:11 pm] |
For helping me to figure out part of what I'm looking for...
So, someone asked me what I'm looking for in a relationship and lately, I've felt that I hadn't actually figured that out yet. Things are constantly changing for me but I think I've got somewhat of a pinpoint on what I'm after.
A job is an important thing to have...and if not that, then at least some sense of responsibility for where you are going or what you are doing in life. You know, college...or taking care of yourself in some way, not mooching off of others. When someone can take care of themselves and don't solely depend on me to take care of their emotional needs, that's a good thing. Every now and then, just telling me to shut the hell up is a plus. (I know that sounds silly but it's true.) I get irrational at times and it's nice to have someone that can balance me out when it really counts...I like when people are close to their family in some way...or at least, like their family.
And/or don't hold so many jaded opinions on the definition of a family that they don't seem like the type that can handle one of their own. I'm sick of being in relationships where I feel like all the motivation is sucked out of me and I have to "dumb down" where I want to go to be with someone. I don't like compromising myself or my future for the sake of "being in a relationship." I think that's why I've avoided them like the plague lately. I'm not always a cuddler and I want someone that understands that there are times when I just need my space. I want someone who can entertain me just as much as I can entertain them and I don't just mean in between the sheets, I mean...everyday life. I want someone who can carry on a conversation.
I want a lot, I guess...but hey, I'm sure it's there somewhere. I'm just not looking for it in the right places. |
|
|
| Is it Sad? |
[Oct. 20th, 2007|02:03 pm] |
That I laugh whenever someone tells me their computer found a Trojan?
Sometimes, I want to say, "So I guess your computer doesn't promote abstinence then?" |
|
|
| Sneaky Sneaky Me |
[Oct. 19th, 2007|07:34 am] |
|
I am going to take my GED test now...wish me luck all you late sleepers! |
|
|
| Update-y Type Thing Before Bedtime |
[Oct. 18th, 2007|04:04 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  good | ] |
So, it's been a long week.
I went to the obstetrician to find out that I'm ZERO centimeters dialated and ZERO percent effaced. Whoo-friggin'-hoo. As was said before me, I swear sometimes I only go to these weekly appointments so that the nurse and the doctor can go, "Yep, your still pregnant." You know, an affirmation of the baby's failure to comply with my wishes. "Resistance is futile." This time around though, he did a "sweeping of the membranes" without my approval, although now that I've spent some time pondering that, I'm not sure I'm too terribly upset at him. I really did want a fully natural labor and this somewhat negates that but at the same time, there is so much worse that can be done. Such as induction, which if I don't start dialating and effacing and/or the baby doesn't start engaging (Hear that you little Shithead? *hehe*) that will be the case. Which, of course, leads me down the path of paranoia and fear of having a C-section. *eek* Major surgery, not my thing.
Every morning, I've been sleeping in entirely too late (probably due to my going to bed entirely too late) and I've also developed into a drool factory. I'm not sure what causes it, I'm not sure I care to find out but I am not the type to do that considering I've never been the type to fall asleep with my mouth open in the first place, which I know is a surprise to all of you, considering my blabbber mouth. All I can say is, "Yuck if this is a pregnant thing...he is SO grounded when he comes out."
I went to my father's this afternoon to pick up my baby books, so that I could read up on them some more before Korben makes it out. (Not sure I'm missing anything at this point, I've researched for so long now that I'm thinking I've got this down pact and what I don't know, well, I'll find out as I go along.) I called my father who told me that the gifts were there and that I should send the people a Thank You card. Anyways, I unlocked my bedroom door and walked in to find a pile of presents sitting on my floor. Five humongous bags and one big basket. The people in his Sunday School group had decided to throw a "baby shower" of sorts for me and they really went all out. I was expecting maybe a bag of stuff, not a carload of stuff. So, of course, my smart ass self has to call my dad back to say, "You said a Thank You card, not a Thank You card, cookies and some ass-kissing." I'm guessing about $300-400 worth of baby stuff given to me from this church group and I feel so very grateful and kind of feel overwhelmed that people who haven't even met me are so generous. So, cookies it is...since I don't really have the money to do much else.
Anyways, I have a bad habit of falling asleep at around four every afternoon and can't seem to break the chain. Today, I fell asleep at four and didn't wake up again until almost eight...which is why I'm still wide awake at 4:14 in the freaking morning!! *big heavy sigh* Tomorrow is going to be my first attempt to stay awake all day to see if I can make it until night time to see if I can perhaps, just maybe, sleep throughout the night for once. I may even set my alarm to see if I don't wake up a little early...to start my grazing early. *hehe*
Anyways, the next time I hear my father or another male from my family go, "Oh, you think stubbing your toe hurts, just wait until you try Childbirth!" the words are getting shoved most painfully down their throat. I don't think they are attempting to discourage me and if they were, it's not working...but it does get annoying. The female empowerment in me just wants to go, "I'm sorry, when did you attempt childbirth? Oh, never? So, you expect me to listen to your words of wisdom and take them to heart? Hrm...well, then...I appreciate the sentiment. Hope you pass a gall stone." I know, I'm a bitch, what can I say?
Anyways, I'm finally getting sleepy...my back is hurting, I want a bath but it's too damn early and I don't want to wake anyone up. So, sleepy time it is...tomorrow is bath time.
Night all! Cross your fingers for a baby sometime in the future... |
|
|
| Annoyed Am I |
[Oct. 17th, 2007|03:15 pm] |
Okay, since I apparently can't get ahold of someone and/or don't care enough to get ahold of anyone, here is what I have to say.
You know what? I tried to call you three times since you left. I haven't gotten a response back. You haven't been online and you sure as hell haven't attempted to get ahold of me. I get so sick of being blamed for not caring and not giving a shit when if you hadn't noticed I took time out of my exceptionally pregnant life to see how you were doing. So if you don't mind, could you lay of the fucking pity party and start dealing with the consequences of your fucking actions?
What do you want me to do? You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Similarly, you can call a person but you can't make them answer their goddamn phone.
After all that talk of how much you cared about me and my kidlet and everything that was going on, you've sure shown that "caring" by doing a whole lot of nothing. So you know what? I'm done with it. I'm done caring in any way shape or form. I've done all I can do and I'm highly disappointed because it seems now that everything that you had to say before you left was nothing but something to appease me.
The funny thing is, I'm not sad...I'm just angry. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
theonenonlyrach's journal